I contemplated whether to share because I love to make people laugh, not be a debbie downer but I believe what connects us is the unfiltered human experience whether it be high or low.
Wind knocked out of me. Rug pulled from underneath me. Heart physically aches. Total devastation.
This is how it feels to be told you need another brain surgery soon and this surgery is wayyy more serious than the first two. Longer surgery with longer hospital stay and recovery. Also carries very high risks - vascular injury (stroke), changes in vision (blindness), CSF leak, and pituitary dysfunction (taking a lot of pills the rest of my life) and of course the other really bad stuff I am not even going to say. I am pretty close to my surgeon at this point and I could see in her eyes that this time it was really serious - as though it was hard to tell me and that shook me. This is the surgery we discussed many times prior and did everything to avoid it. It’s like the first two brain surgeries were minor battles that are leading up to the big battle. I will fight but right now I am devastated. There are no words to describe the feeling. Knowing you have three months to live as much as you can before this surgery is hard. I am praying for a miracle that somehow, someway I don’t have to have this surgery. It’s a terrible place to be knowing in order to live this has to be done. It is scheduled for January 29th 2025. Three brain surgeries in a year and a half is inconceivable to me. I feel as though I am playing russian roulette and I got out of the first two unscathed and I would do anything not to fire a third shot. For the first time through this whole thing, I saw my husband break down in tears. It’s so hard because I carry guilt that he has to walk down this path with me but he looked me in my eyes and said he was happy that he is walking with me no matter the path. I am so blessed to have him. I wish I knew that this nightmare one day ends and I am happy and healthy looking back on all of this. I have so much to give and so much to still live. I will fight so hard with everything I have to see Aven grow up, that I did promise myself. Brain surgery is scary stuff. I wish they would operate on anything but my brain- the thing that makes me Sheila and controls my whole body. I believe in God and I have trusted that all these things are happening for a greater good - one I can’t see yet but one day will. “Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me”.
