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  <a href="/welcome/blog/7457665/my-life-changed-in-one-week">My Life Changed In One Week </a>&nbsp;
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  <div class="message"><p><span style="color:rgb(5,5,5);">Well life definitely throws curve balls and I guess you just need to be prepared to deal with them. In the course of one week I was diagnosed with a recurrence of my brain cyst, been to the ER twice with very scary symptoms and now scheduled for brain surgery this Thursday, September 5th. I am not going to lie or sugar coat this but the last few days have been the hardest in my life. I cannot put into words what it feels like to have a ticking time bomb in your head and wonder every moment if this is the end and if every time I go into the hospital and kiss Aven goodbye if it was my last. Frantically, calling around the country wondering if anyone has dealt with a condition like mine but also knowing I am declining so fast that we just don’t have time. It has totally gutted me. I am experiencing my worst nightmare ever imagined. I have a very rare condition and the way mine presents is even more rare than that. Finding out there isn’t a cut and dry cure and the only thought to cure it is to totally take it out with a high risk surgery and one of the risks being I could lose the ability to create memories. It is just something I cannot risk. This surgery, they are going to cut out more but there is a possibility of it coming back again. I have faith that this time could work and if not, there will be new medical advancements in my future to cure this. Most of all, it gives me time and my brain back. I have been rapidly losing my vision in my left eye, having increasing headaches, losing my memory and this time 100% aware it’s happening. I’ll be honest, I didn’t even know a scenario so cruel like this could exist. The hardest part over the last week is accepting that this rare condition may be something I have to deal with throughout my life. It is a hard pill to swallow but I am a fighter. It is scary because there is not a lot of research and barely any neurosurgeons that specialize in colloid cysts- especially giant ones. So here I go, preparing to go into battle again. My scars are my armor and I’ll keep fighting, give it all I got.</span></p><img src="//images.zoogletools.com/s:bzglfiles/u/63755/5f755296095897461de22cb1bebcd85b95afc343/original/82793a2a-2be4-4b23-b3ba-ac18585700d4-2.jpg/!!/meta:eyJzcmNCdWNrZXQiOiJiemdsZmlsZXMifQ==" class="size_l justify_center border_" height="3024" width="4032" /></div>
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    <p class="post-info"><span data-time="2024-09-04T08:56:37-07:00" title="September 04, 2024 08:56">09/04/2024</span></p>

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  <a href="/welcome/blog/7455532/my-fight-isn-t-over">My Fight Isn&#39;t Over</a>&nbsp;
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  <div class="message"><p dir="ltr"><span style="color:rgb(0,0,0);">This one is hard to write but here it goes. My ultrasound came back good - nothing scary so I am thankful for that. Last night I got my head CT results and it is not good. The colloid brain cyst is back and already 2.6cm along with hydrocephalus. It is not supposed to happen. My symptoms have been rapidly progressing so I spent last night in the ER as advised by the doctors. I have an MRI with contrast asap so they can plan the next brain surgery. Surgery will most likely happen in the next couple weeks. My biggest nightmare is unfolding before my eyes. This surgery will most likely be more complicated. I am terrified, devastated  and in disbelief. Never in a million years did I think it would go this way. These very rare cysts are supposed to be slow growing but my case goes against everything they assume they know about them. My family and I really need your prayers. Even if you don’t pray please consider praying for me. I don’t know how many miracles you are allowed to ask for but I really need another one. Each and every one of your comments and thoughts help me to feel stronger and I thank you for that. It makes me feel not alone in this. I am going to try to release my new song “Warrior” before surgery. It is really important to me to do this. </span></p><p> </p><p dir="ltr"><span style="color:rgb(0,0,0);">Here are the lyrics from the bridge which couldn’t be any truer right now:</span></p><p> </p><p dir="ltr"><span style="color:rgb(0,0,0);">“With God by my side </span></p><p dir="ltr"><span style="color:rgb(0,0,0);">I shed no tears </span></p><p dir="ltr"><span style="color:rgb(0,0,0);">Even in hell all my angels are near</span></p><p dir="ltr"><span style="color:rgb(0,0,0);">I only grow stronger inside </span></p><p dir="ltr"><span style="color:rgb(0,0,0);">I’ll keep fighting ‘till the day I die”</span></p><p dir="ltr"><span style="color:rgb(0,0,0);">-”Warrior”  Sheila Star</span></p></div>
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    <p class="post-info"><span data-time="2024-08-30T06:13:43-07:00" title="August 30, 2024 06:13">08/30/2024</span></p>

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  <div class="message"><p dir="ltr"><span style="color:rgb(0,0,0);">I’m in LA. First time in many years. I forgot the feeling of magic that I get when I am here. I would come here a lot in my 20s with big dreams. For a second I have the thought “you are too old for these big dreams” and then I go “F**k it”. My time is now and I can feel it and if there is any time to break the norms of society and age in the music industry it’s now. I learned how powerful manifestation is over the past couple years and it’s time to erase these boundary lines in my mind. I feel fire, inspiration and drive.</span></p><p> </p><p dir="ltr"><span style="color:rgb(0,0,0);">Then my phone rings…Kaiser. Heart sinks. My reality slaps me hard in the face. LA disappears around me. “You need a head CT, when can you come in?” Poked, prodded and scanned life is back. I was barely out of the weeds and starting to live a life away from doctors, hospitals and worry. The truth is I have been having health issues again, one being I have a blind spot in my left eye. Same one that led to my initial brain cyst diagnosis. It’s cruel human torture to make me go through the EXACT same steps that I went through over a year ago but this time totally aware and able to feel emotions. A deja vu from hell. Back to the horrible state of being where I don’t know what is happening inside my body. Second guessing every symptom. I feel numb, then angry that my life story is going this way right now. IT IS SO HARD NOT TO SPIRAL. Thoughts like, will I need brain surgery again? If so, will I be the same person again? Will I be able to make music? Will I lose my vision? Will I survive? I also have an abdominal ultrasound soon and pray there’s nothing going on there. It all feels too much and I constantly ask why even though I know it’s useless. I just want to move forward and live life without thinking about my own mortality. I hate that my family also has to worry and go through this too. I feel paralyzed and it is hard to move forward with any of my personal goals when my head is filled with all this sh*t again. </span></p><p> </p><p dir="ltr"><span style="color:rgb(0,0,0);">I know deep down no matter what happens I will be okay. Don’t worry about me. I will get through this like I get through everything. I am a WARRIOR. Yes, it would be WONDERFUL to have all my scans come back clean but I also don’t want to be blindsided. Trying to be positive but when you go through what I went through these things are real and happen. I need more time and positive medical experiences to build upon. The war in my mind is a constant. I need to move forward even though I feel stuck. I will keep fighting to live in the moment, live to the fullest, and write about all the highs and lows. </span></p><p> </p><p dir="ltr"><span style="color:rgb(0,0,0);">“I have the courage of a thousand men</span></p><p dir="ltr"><span style="color:rgb(0,0,0);">Most would be scared to be where I’ve been</span></p><p dir="ltr"><span style="color:rgb(0,0,0);">But I faced my fears, didn’t sink I swam</span></p><p dir="ltr"><span style="color:rgb(0,0,0);">In my pain I found how strong I am”</span></p><p dir="ltr"><span style="color:rgb(0,0,0);">-Warrior, Sheila Star (Coming Soon)</span></p><img src="//images.zoogletools.com/s:bzglfiles/u/63755/a6dd876c8c179d27bf9f90dac92863b77acf4605/original/tempimage4tjjdx.png/!!/meta:eyJzcmNCdWNrZXQiOiJiemdsZmlsZXMifQ==" class="size_m justify_center border_" height="3088" /><p> </p></div>
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    <p class="post-info"><span data-time="2024-08-26T13:02:24-07:00" title="August 26, 2024 13:02">08/26/2024</span></p>

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  <a href="/welcome/blog/7431892/brainiversary">Brainiversary</a>&nbsp;
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  <div class="message"><p dir="ltr"><span style="color:#454545;">I am celebrating my first  brainiversary and honoring the journey of the past year. I cannot believe it has been a year already.  I have so many emotions I am not sure how to feel. I do know that I feel strong and this changed me in ways I could never foresee. </span></p><p dir="ltr"><span style="color:#454545;">I tend to think more of how Trevor must have felt this day last year. Taking me to the hospital, filling out the directive. Knowing that a craniotomy (brain surgery) is high risk surgery with risks such as losing your ability to speak, walk or think or blindness. I really can’t imagine what he went through, but the second I woke up from surgery his eyes teared up because he could see in my eyes “ I was back”. Most people did not know how bad I was before surgery. Even my neurosurgeon was amazed that I could walk and talk with the size of the brain cyst I had and that it essentially shut down my pituitary gland and caused immense pressure on my whole brain. I do feel it was a miracle I lived and that my optometrist had a gut feeling something was wrong which led to my MRI. I can never explain to people what it felt like to really lose yourself. It was like I was in a state of dementia and everyone else seemed like the crazy ones. Through my recovery,, I realized a lot of my memories are not correct or even missing. </span></p><p dir="ltr"><span style="color:#454545;">When I awoke from surgery the world literally felt different. I was in such a state of shock that I didn’t sleep (not at all) for six days and ended up in the ER. I just kept telling people it felt like I was in another dimension. The world was different from what I remembered. I literally didn’t recognize myself in the mirror because I let myself go so badly and the worst of all of it was that Aven looked older than I remembered. I also tried to play the memory card game and couldn’t play with 6 cards. The reality of that was really hard. It’s taken me a while to process this and not sure I ever fully will.</span></p><p dir="ltr"><span style="color:#454545;">But I remember the second I woke from surgery feeling this fire in me that was gone for many years. To physically feel motivation again was a wild experience. It flooded me and I literally could not wait to get out of that hospital bed and I wrote lists of all the things I wanted to do. That was the hard part. It would be many months that I was trapped in my body. My brain was alive again but my body needed time to catch up. Recovery was torture in its purest form to say the least. For months I thought I was going to die. In brain surgery recovery everyone’s side effects and recovery are different so every time I had a weird symptom, no one could tell me if it was normal or not.  I struggled with sleep similar to medieval torture and still do to some degree but its much better. I would get so overstimulated with sights and sounds that I spent months imprisoned in my house. </span></p><p dir="ltr"><span style="color:#454545;">But very very slowly one small step at a time I got better. Every day I walked a little further and this is when I became a warrior. I started to fight like I was going to war. I pushed myself probably more than doctors would have liked but I grew stronger both physically and mentally, I started swimming and then started doing yoga. I will say yoga and meditation are the real deal and have helped me heal physically and mentally from this trauma. I started therapy and did absolutely everything I possibly could to get better. I started to connect with my former self which was a very bizarre experience. I knew that if I could pull myself out of this anything would be possible in my life. </span></p><p dir="ltr"><span style="color:#454545;">Now, a year later, I am at my best. Yes, I still have some tough days - PTSD is a real thing and thoughts of it coming back scare the sh*t out of me, but I now focus on honoring the journey I went through and find great strength in it. No matter what challenge comes my way I know I am a WARRIOR and I will never stop fighting and this brings me great comfort. This new world I live in is richer and more full of color. I am proud of myself and the things I have accomplished. I know that this is just the beginning of a new chapter and that as I form new beautiful memories the old scary ones will lose their power. </span></p><img src="//images.zoogletools.com/s:bzglfiles/u/63755/1ca699aa984da238f370da3f11e569446a1f0b9d/original/20230628-110546.jpg/!!/meta:eyJzcmNCdWNrZXQiOiJiemdsZmlsZXMifQ==" class="size_m justify_center border_" height="4032" /></div>
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  <a href="/welcome/blog/7372895/it-s-called-a-comeback">It&#39;s called a comeback.</a>&nbsp;
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  <div class="message"><p>Last week was a milestone for me - I AM BACK IN THE STUDIO RECORDING MUSIC! After brain surgery I had a lot of sensory issues (couldn't handle hearing a lot of noise or sounds) but thankfully that has resolved. There are no words to describe what it was like for me to finally be back doing what I was made for and this time I am on fire!! I have never felt better in my whole life and surviving what I went through only reinforced that I was put on Earth to make music. Its crazy to think eight months ago I could barely walk and I wasn't sure what the outcome was going to be, but I put in the work. I did everything in my power to recover, repair and come out of it better. It was the hardest thing I ever had experienced and at times I wasn't sure I could dig any deeper, but here I am. I feel like a new person. I came out better than I ever was. I am so excited for my future and feel so blessed to be living on this different level. This is my comeback and it is going to epic.</p><p> </p><img src="//images.zoogletools.com/s:bzglfiles/u/63755/2a4b6a20863955d47909907b5e22c75562e90d69/original/20240323-123621.jpg/!!/meta:eyJzcmNCdWNrZXQiOiJiemdsZmlsZXMifQ==" class="size_m justify_center border_" height="2944" /></div>
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  <a href="/welcome/blog/7326549/farewell-2023">Farewell 2023</a>&nbsp;
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  <div class="message"><p dir="ltr"><span style="color:#454545;">Oh 2023…….On one hand you have been the hardest, most brutal year of my life. At times I wasn’t sure I was going to make it to the end of you. You broke me down to my absolute core and even then, still dragged me without mercy. I was handed not only a brain tumor but had other life gutting events that shook me to my very core. To sum it up I was forced to face some of my biggest fears in life all in one year and have scars to show both physically and mentally.</span></p><p> </p><p dir="ltr"><span style="color:#454545;">On the other hand, this year I was saved by a miracle. I was taught the lesson that when you go through great suffering you are able to tap into a greater joy. I learned how strong I am and never use the phrase “I can’t” because I confidently know I can. I learned there are really wonderful humans that will carry you when you can’t carry yourself. I learned in hardship you have two choices: to quit or move forward and I am not a quitter. I learned that I am a “yoga person” and that I LOVE swimming and in life you need to just close your eyes and jump in, literally. </span></p><p> </p><p dir="ltr"><span style="color:#454545;">I asked last New Year for health and for most of the year I felt like I got the opposite but in hindsight I did get health. The fact my two year health decline and misdiagnosis was finally solved and I got my brain back did put me in a healthier state then when the year started.</span></p><p> </p><p dir="ltr"><span style="color:#454545;">This has brought me to the greatest lesson I learned. You have the power to control the positive and negative in life. Outlook is <strong>EVERYTHING</strong>. You have a choice to see a blessing or a nightmare in everything. Sometimes it takes a while for the blessing to appear but those are the best ones. So I will cheers for 2024 with my glass half full and honor 2023 for the invaluable lessons it has taught me. </span></p></div>
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  <a href="/welcome/blog/7314326/birthday-redo">Birthday Redo</a>&nbsp;
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  <div class="message"><p><span style="color:#454545;">This birthday definitely hit differently than the rest. I am sooooo thankful to be ALIVE - physically, mentally and spiritually! Life has not been easy by any means but it is sweeter and fuller. Trevor, my sister, brother-in-law, and I went to Napa for my redo birthday. Backstory: 2021 Trevor was in the hospital , 2022 we went to Napa but I was in bad shape from the giant alien in my brain. I couldn’t even eat my dinner at one of the nicest steakhouses in Napa and all I wanted to do was sleep. This year we initially canceled because of family illness but by a <strong>MIRACLE </strong>we got to go. The weirdest thing ever was it truly was a redo because we were seated at the same table at Mumm and the steakhouse by total chance. We had great food and laughed all day. My sister and Trevor literally cry- laughed. I just kept thinking what a gift it was to be there. I am happy that I just made it through the hardest year of my life and I can say I feel blessed and still have a smile on my face. </span></p></div>
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<h2 class="heading-secondary heading-blog alt-font">
  <a href="/welcome/blog/7289568/why-not-me">Why Not Me?</a>&nbsp;
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  <div class="message"><p><img src="//images.zoogletools.com/s:bzglfiles/u/63755/64a40ae9431b108377994f87edf923c0bf9f335d/original/20230611-165933-1.jpg/!!/meta:eyJzcmNCdWNrZXQiOiJiemdsZmlsZXMifQ==" class="size_l justify_center border_" /></p><p>It ends there, in this picture and starts here, in the Now. I no longer feel fear when looking at my MRI. Now I feel strength.</p><p> </p><p>I used to think I had a learning disability because I would practice over and over and still forget my song lyrics and chords. I told myself I could not perform because I wasn’t cut out for it, I couldn’t even remember my own songs. Over the past few years my passion slowly slipped away. This alien thing was the reason. Pushing on my frontal lobe, taking away so many of my skills and dreams. I was hijacked and had no control of my own brain. Even scarier, I didn’t know it was happening.</p><p> </p><p>I started playing piano again one week after brain surgery. A whole song poured out of me in 20 minutes like it was waiting there the whole time. It’s a song about what I went through and it’s the most honest song I have ever written. To this day, music and songs flow out without effort, even in my dreams. I can remember my songs and sing/play like never before. It is one of the blessings in this. To be an artist and go through an extremely traumatic event is a blessing. Not only did it give me strength of a warrior but it allows me to help others through my music and my experience. It gave me more fuel to my fire than I know what to do with. <strong>I am going to take this all the way. </strong>I feel like after going through the past two years and surviving it, my possibilities are endless and there are no limitations to what I can do. For a long time I would ask, “Why me?” and now it’s changed to “Why not me?”</p></div>
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    <p class="post-info"><span data-time="2023-10-18T10:55:08-07:00" title="October 18, 2023 10:55">10/18/2023</span></p>

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  <a href="/welcome/blog/7268227/a-love-story">A Love Story</a>&nbsp;
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  <div class="message"><div class="xdj266r x11i5rnm xat24cr x1mh8g0r x1vvkbs x126k92a" style='-webkit-text-stroke-width:0px;background-color:rgb(255, 255, 255);color:rgb(5, 5, 5);font-family:system-ui, -apple-system, "system-ui", ".SFNSText-Regular", sans-serif;font-size:15px;font-style:normal;font-variant-caps:normal;font-variant-ligatures:normal;font-weight:400;letter-spacing:normal;margin:0px;orphans:2;overflow-wrap:break-word;text-align:left;text-decoration-color:initial;text-decoration-style:initial;text-decoration-thickness:initial;text-indent:0px;text-transform:none;white-space:pre-wrap;widows:2;word-spacing:0px;'><div style="font-family:inherit;text-align:start;" dir="auto">11 years ago we said I do. Our vows to choose each other for better, for worse, in sickness and in health really take on a deeper meaning now.  For the past couple years I became extremely difficult to live with. My brain was so messed up at one point, I thought my husband was my enemy. Most people don’t know the severity of it. It's been difficult for me to process now that I have control of my brain again. Most wouldn’t be able to do what he did. He stood by me before anyone knew it was a medical issue. He loved me when I was the worst version of myself. My sister calls him a saint which he totally is. </div></div><div class="x11i5rnm xat24cr x1mh8g0r x1vvkbs xtlvy1s x126k92a" style='-webkit-text-stroke-width:0px;background-color:rgb(255, 255, 255);color:rgb(5, 5, 5);font-family:system-ui, -apple-system, "system-ui", ".SFNSText-Regular", sans-serif;font-size:15px;font-style:normal;font-variant-caps:normal;font-variant-ligatures:normal;font-weight:400;letter-spacing:normal;margin:0.5em 0px 0px;orphans:2;overflow-wrap:break-word;text-align:left;text-decoration-color:initial;text-decoration-style:initial;text-decoration-thickness:initial;text-indent:0px;text-transform:none;white-space:pre-wrap;widows:2;word-spacing:0px;'><div style="font-family:inherit;text-align:start;" dir="auto">Hours after my surgery, the doctor asked him if he noticed any changes in my behavior and through tears he said, ”Yes, she’s better now then she’s been in years. I have my wife back.” It was quite shocking for everyone including myself to back instantly.  I’ll never forget that moment because it may be the greatest love story I have ever heard of.</div></div></div>
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  <a href="/welcome/blog/7258088/recovery">Recovery.</a>&nbsp;
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  <div class="message"><div class="xdj266r x11i5rnm xat24cr x1mh8g0r x1vvkbs x126k92a" style='-webkit-text-stroke-width:0px;background-color:rgb(255, 255, 255);color:rgb(5, 5, 5);font-family:system-ui, -apple-system, "system-ui", ".SFNSText-Regular", sans-serif;font-size:15px;font-style:normal;font-variant-caps:normal;font-variant-ligatures:normal;font-weight:400;letter-spacing:normal;margin:0px;orphans:2;overflow-wrap:break-word;text-align:left;text-decoration-color:initial;text-decoration-style:initial;text-decoration-thickness:initial;text-indent:0px;text-transform:none;white-space:pre-wrap;widows:2;word-spacing:0px;'><div style="font-family:inherit;text-align:start;" dir="auto">Recovery. Recovery can be both beautiful and ugly. Beautiful in the way that the first week I could barely take 10 steps down my street and Wednesday I walked 4 miles. It can be ugly in that I didn’t sleep for 6 straight days after surgery and wound up back at the hospital. I can’t even explain the torture that it was. Beauty in that after I shared my story, people reached out to me that went through the same thing and I didn’t feel alone. People that I know but never knew they went through brain surgery. Recovery can be ugly in the moments where every sound feels like it makes my ears bleed or the sun is so bright I have to wear sunglasses in my house. When I want so badly to be social but it's too much stimulation for my brain. It's beautiful that the community in which we live lifted me and my family up and supported me when I was at my lowest. Every text, meal, card, comment and like means the world to me and keeps me going when it's hard to see the light. It's ugly when you get follow up tests that say you are not in the clear yet and your mind starts racing and going to worst case scenarios. </div></div><div class="x11i5rnm xat24cr x1mh8g0r x1vvkbs xtlvy1s x126k92a" style='-webkit-text-stroke-width:0px;background-color:rgb(255, 255, 255);color:rgb(5, 5, 5);font-family:system-ui, -apple-system, "system-ui", ".SFNSText-Regular", sans-serif;font-size:15px;font-style:normal;font-variant-caps:normal;font-variant-ligatures:normal;font-weight:400;letter-spacing:normal;margin:0.5em 0px 0px;orphans:2;overflow-wrap:break-word;text-align:left;text-decoration-color:initial;text-decoration-style:initial;text-decoration-thickness:initial;text-indent:0px;text-transform:none;white-space:pre-wrap;widows:2;word-spacing:0px;'><div style="font-family:inherit;text-align:start;" dir="auto">There's beauty in that I got to see my girl swim last weekend at the biggest rec meet in the country and she took 5th in breaststroke. I pushed myself past my own limit but mothers do that for their children.  </div></div><div class="x11i5rnm xat24cr x1mh8g0r x1vvkbs xtlvy1s x126k92a" style='-webkit-text-stroke-width:0px;background-color:rgb(255, 255, 255);color:rgb(5, 5, 5);font-family:system-ui, -apple-system, "system-ui", ".SFNSText-Regular", sans-serif;font-size:15px;font-style:normal;font-variant-caps:normal;font-variant-ligatures:normal;font-weight:400;letter-spacing:normal;margin:0.5em 0px 0px;orphans:2;overflow-wrap:break-word;text-align:left;text-decoration-color:initial;text-decoration-style:initial;text-decoration-thickness:initial;text-indent:0px;text-transform:none;white-space:pre-wrap;widows:2;word-spacing:0px;'><div style="font-family:inherit;text-align:start;" dir="auto">The definition of recovery is a return to a normal state of health, mind, or strength. It actually made me laugh because normal doesn’t exist after going through really traumatic events. When you lose control of your own brain and then get to come back nothing will ever be normal again and I’m okay with that.</div></div></div>
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    <p class="post-info"><span data-time="2023-08-16T15:26:29-07:00" title="August 16, 2023 15:26">08/16/2023</span></p>

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